


The Seventeenth Year

by cardita



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-21 10:23:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11942136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cardita/pseuds/cardita
Summary: Daniel Howell has reached his seventeenth birthday, but nothing has changed - he is still living a life filled with sadness. He vows to himself that he will die before he reaches adulthood. In his seventeenth year, he needs a bright light to guide his way to happiness.TW // Suicide, Depression





	1. -one-

Wind blew into the boy standing on the bridge. Natural forces tried to take him down from the side, but he was putting up a fight. The little strength he had obtained from his life were keeping him up; he wanted to stay up long enough for him to think through the situation.

The boy had only entered his seventeenth year the day before, but it was still all going wrong. He always felt the same, and he always told himself that he would end it before adulthood. People always said that childhood was the best stage of life, so how could he let it go any further?

He took a deep inhale of breath. The place he had found was deep in the countryside; it was far from people, traffic, or hospitals. There was little to no possibility of him being helped – it was how he wanted it. The boy never wanted anybody to worry; he just wanted to be alone.

The wind held up its strength and speed. He looked down to the river below, which was rushing speedily ahead. The sun was starting to go down. It had taken him a whole day to get from Wokingham to the River Ribble, but it ensured that his parents would not be the ones to find him. He could not bear to give that pain to them.

The sunset was what he wanted to see last. As the sun greeted the horizon, red light filled the sky. He looked forward towards the nearby town, seeing people and lights. His eyes moved upwards to the sky, filled with colours. In his head, he admitted to himself that the world was beautiful – he just didn't have a part in it.

Then, the boy took his final inhale of breath. He jumped from the bridge.

~~

Steady beeps awoke the boy. He heard only steady beeps – there was no rushing; no crying. It could not have been a hospital for it was so quiet. It must have been heaven.

Slowly, he opened his eyes. It was all dark. He felt bed covers draped around him, as well as a soft garment covering him. The room was small, with only 5 other beds. No light shone in from the window; all was dark. Only a night sky and a town could be seen from it.

He lifted himself up. All he wanted at that moment was a drink. The boy had a thirst for water which was unknown to him; he was sure nobody had ever been so thirsty. He looked to the side of the bed, but there was nothing. There was only a lone item, a label which said _Daniel Howell, Patient Number 2403._

By this point, Daniel knew he was in hospital. He didn't know which one, whether his parents were there or for how long he had been there. However, he did know why he was there. He never thought he would forget the reason.

It was not the first time he had been in hospital. He had tried to die once before – only a few months ago. It was a similar experience, but he had been caught by his parents. They were terrified to let him go out after that; only after months of persuasion was he let out alone again. This made it certain in his mind that he was going to go further for this attempt.

This certainty had left him in confusion at this point. He didn't know what to do. Dan thought that he would be gone by this point, so never had to think of asking questions or getting up and leaving. In all honesty, he had no energy to get up and ask questions – all he wanted to do was lie down. He thought that if he slept, he may never have to wake up. That was his hope, but it was a slim chance – all the monitors were beeping steadily. He seemed in almost perfect help.

~~

The light woke him up this time. It was daylight streaming in. There was more noise around, but not as much as you would think in a busy city hospital. It was calm and peaceful, giving the boy time to think.

He didn't feel that he regretted his actions. The only regret he felt the previous time was when he parents were crying in front of him. At this point, there was nothing telling him he should not do it again.

It felt like he had failed himself, if anything. In fact, it may have made him want to do it more. Dan felt he had the justification for all of it, and just needed the willpower. He was depressed, upset, and had mental problems – with the added frustration, he felt that he could have just left the hospital and ended it.

He was not going to do that. Most of him felt that he should just retry, but a small bit was telling him not to. This part was arguing that nature was trying to stop him. The wind was trying to push him to safety. Even more, he was safe and in hospital. The small part of his body was wondering if this was fate, if not desperately hoping it was.

Slowly, Daniel sat up. There were little aches and pains when he tried, but nothing too serious. He could happily breathe, which was mostly what mattered. He looked to the side of him, hoping for some water. Still, there was nothing. A sigh escaped his mouth.

This sigh alerted a member of staff. Daniel couldn't tell if it was a nurse or a junior doctor, but she came rushing over. She looked displeased. It looked as if she had only just woken up for her shift. As she came closer, Dan could read the nametag which she was wearing. The woman was Doctor Harriet Rainsford.

"I need to check your vitals," she said abruptly, grabbing his arm. The woman had a tight grasp, as if she was aiming to hurt the boy. Dan was sure this was not the case, giving her the benefit of doubt.

He nodded, despite knowing he had no choice in the matter. She was not the most kindly of doctors, but Dan was certain that she was just having a bad day or something. He never wanted to blame others for any discomfort – he would only blame himself or fate.

"Have you got any questions?" she asked, sounding like she didn't want any. The boy didn't seem to get the right idea as he blurted out some questions.

"Where am I?" he started, looking at her hopefully.

"Blackburn Hospital." The woman had a posh, southern accent. It sounded a bit out of place when in the north, but so did Dan.

The boy nodded at her, giving a gentle smile. "Are my parents here?"

She nodded her head, whilst raising her eyebrows. The child still did not get the message.

"Can I please have some water too?" This was what Dan was dying for. He had been wanting it for hours, but especially now. His throat was as dry as the Sahara Desert. It was almost a given that she would get him some water.

But she almost laughed in his face. "You almost drowned – we can't give you water yet." Dan didn't know that he almost drowned, but it made sense at this point. "Do you know what happened? You jumped off the bridge into the River Ribble."

She shook her head in disgust. Now, Dan was understanding – she didn't want to be there helping him. This doctor was not empathetic at all. Doctor Harriet Rainsford should not have been a doctor at all.

The woman scowled at Dan. "You're the sort of kid who wastes the NHS money and resources." She walked off, not taking another look at the boy. He felt upset and dismayed, but he felt like that most days.

Filled with sadness, Dan slithered down his bed again. He was lying down straight again, staring at the ceiling. He wondered if things would ever change for him – everybody seemed to have the same attitude towards him.

He heard a muffled noise to the left of him. It was not a monitor beeping, nor a radio playing. It sounded like a voice; one which was pleasant and happy. The happiness contrasted his sadness, bringing his attention to it.

Dan turned his head to the side to see a man. He looked about four or five years older than him, but you could tell he was a man. His hair was dyed black, but he was extremely pale. They looked each other in the eyes; he had bright blue eyes – the brightest that Dan had ever seen. This man's face looked happy, despite being in hospital.

"That woman is always horrible," this man said, chuckling slightly. "She moaned at me for having a broken leg from ice skating." It seemed like he was trying desperately to make Dan laugh. "She should have been happy I was trying to exercise for once."

That comment made Dan chuckle slightly. He never exercised either, so he felt he could relate to the comment. "I don't understand why people like that would want to become doctors," Dan said timidly, trying to join in without sounding overly eager.

"I know, right!" the man replied, laughing. "She probably was clever and thought it was what all clever people do."

Dan laughed and nodded. This guy was really friendly and helping Dan feel better about the situation. "She probably wanted the money too." The other man nodded.

Both of them were in hospital, and both seemed to want to not talk about the hospital. This made conversation difficult, and they were just left staring at each other. The other guy was chirpy and happy, giving reassuring smiles to Dan. It was beyond what he expected, and the smiles made him feel so much better about himself. The man was a good hospital-bed neighbour, if only for that small reason.

The awful doctor was back to check the man. "Phil Lester, I need to check your vitals."

Phil Lester. That was his name.

 


	2. -two-

Dan checked the clock on the far-side wall. It was nine in the morning. A nurse had come over to tell him that his parents would be coming to see him at any point. It was a nerve wracking moment for him: how could he face them a second time in this situation.

The first time was awful. They had read the note too early, which was placed on the dining room table. He knew that they would blame themselves, despite the letter telling them about the troubles he had been having. This made the encounter so difficult in many ways.

When he woke up in the hospital in Wokingham, they were sitting by his bed. There were no tears. Their eyes were just empty and lifeless. It looked as if all the life had been sucked from their faces.

_“Dan,” his mother said at the time. “We had no idea you felt like this.”_

The boy always aimed for them to not know. He always felt there was nothing truly wrong with him; he was just a mad person. For this reason, he never told people about his sadness and fears. He always imagined that people would just tell him it was nothing, and that he had a perfect life. He could not let his depression slip out, otherwise people would get angry at him for it.

He had the perfect life: money, loving family, good grades. Some friends told him this and said that he could never be as down as them because of how wonderful everything was for him. For an outsider, that was how it seemed sometimes, but something was wrong for him. Many things, really, but he thought nobody would accept it.

_“We read the letter,” his dad proceeded to say, knowing that his mum was too weak to continue. “We understand your pain. We’ll help, we promise.”_

His parents did understand, but the problem was that nobody else did. The people causing the pain only got worse because they didn’t believe there was any pain. His friends told him that his pain was false and he was looking for attention. It was difficult to hear that from people who were meant to love you.

However, Dan didn’t tell his friends about what happened. He thought they would think worse of him, and think that he was sucking up more attention. In all honesty, Dan didn’t think that they would believe him, so he lied about therapy and lied about the attempt.

Dan didn’t speak much about it at all. If anything, he avoided the topic. When he asked his parents to go out and they said no, he would speak over them about something else before they could say why. If they discussed anything from around that point, he would talk about the news. Whenever someone asked what he did on Wednesday afternoons, instead of therapy he would say tutoring his little brother. For him, it was difficult to think about despite it being something he wanted.

A bang caught him out of his daze. All he could think about was seeing his parents again, in an equally as distressing situation. However, he knew it was happening so there was no point in worrying. Instead, he turned to the source of the noise.

“Ah,” his hospital-bed neighbour yelled. “I was… ah- trying to move my leg.” He was clutching his left leg, which had a large cast around it. “It didn’t work very well.”

Dan laughed slightly, noticing that Phil was not in a huge amount of pain. The man was clutching his leg, yet smiling at the same time. There was no sense of anger or distress – something which would have been prominent in Dan in the same situation. This made Dan like Phil even more.

“I don’t think I should try and get up, honestly.”

“No shit, Sherlock,” Dan responded. It was the first time he came out with a regular comment that he would do to anybody. He was beginning to feel comfortable around the man, which was good for Dan. At least he would feel he had a friend in the ward.

Dan sat up, with his legs swinging off the side of his bed. He had no restraints for staying in his bed, unlike Phil. As the doctor pointed out to him, he thought he was wasting the hospital’s services. The one thing he thought he could be useful for would be helping this other patient.

“What do you need, Phil?” he said, looking directly in the eye of the man. Phil smiled at him, as if it was what he wanted. Maybe the man wanted to get to know the boy.

Phil raised his hand slowly. “My DS please.” He was pointing to Dan’s bed side table, but on Phil’s side. Dan had repeatedly been looking on the side without anything on, never noticing the DS which was placed beside him.

“God, why would you put it so far away from yourself,” Dan started, confused but laughing. “If you can’t move…” But he was interrupted. Phil looked at Dan, raising his eyebrows.

“I left it there for you when you woke up, silly,” he intervened. There was a slight pause. Dan didn’t know how to respond to such kindness – he never received such a lovely gesture from somebody outside his family. “When I heard a patient like you were coming in, I thought I should do anything to try and brighten your day.”

A huge smile appeared on Dan’s face. Even though he never realised, the small gesture still made his day. At this point in his life, just giving him a sweet would make him happy. It was one of the nicest things that Dan could think of somebody doing, especially given this man didn’t know Dan at all.

“I thought it was worthwhile,” Phil said, chuckling slightly. “Especially given how nice and cute you are.” It felt odd hearing those words come from somebody’s mouth, even more so because Phil was a few years older. Dan never felt his age, so he felt there was a larger gap between them then there truly was. If anything, this strangeness made the gesture even better; it wasn’t a normal thing to do.

Dan was elated. He didn’t realise how easy it was to please him. The boy grabbed the DS and handed it to the man, gifting a large smile with it. “Thank you,” Dan said. “This has truly made me really happy.” This seemed to give Phil so much joy.

Slowly, Dan turned back to lie on the bed. He was looking up at the ceiling again, but not due to boredom or sadness but because he was so happy. It was clear why he was happy, so he didn’t want to share it with anybody – it would just lead to embarrassment. He was sure that Phil was not meaning to make the boy so happy, so he may not have been pleased in doing so. For this reason, Dan kept the smiles and giggles to himself.

“Dan?” he heard in front of him, a few minutes later. It was the quiet voice of his mother. She stood there, holding some flowers in front of her. She looked tired, as if she had been awake for the entire night, waiting.

She held out the flowers, giving a weak smile. “These are for you.” A nurse was nearby and placed a chair next to the bed. His mother thanked the nurse and sat with Dan. The boy was not sure what his mum was going to say – they had gone through everything before.

They sat in silence for a while, exchanging weak smiles. At this point, Dan thought there was nothing else that they could do to help him – nothing which could help him hold on. They had done all that they could, and he thought the best solution for him would be to die.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He was not sorry for the attempt, nor for his depression. Dan was sorry for the pain he was causing to his family. It would have been easier if he died the first time, he thought.

A sniffle came from his mother’s nose. She took his hand and began to stroke it. “Trust me,” she whispered. “It does get better.” Dan could never see that. Every time there was something wrong, people would tell him this but it never set in – how could he believe it if he had never experienced it. Since being in the hospital, nothing had gotten better for him from the day before. The only change was meeting someone nice – Phil.

However, Dan nodded to his mother. He wanted to believe it with all his might. More than that, he wanted his mother to believe he could get through it. He wanted to deceive his family to reduce the amount of pain they would feel whilst he was alive.

“How long will I be here,” he asked, smiling weakly at his mother. He was not wanting to be there long, but he didn’t want to go home where it would all feel the same. Dan wanted change, but he didn’t know how to bring that for himself without leaving it all.

His mother simply shrugged. “We aren’t sure. We want to bring you home, but of course we aren’t experts – we won’t know what is best for you.” His mother was always sensible in this way, she knew that despite being a mother, she would never know the best solution for her child. This was always good for Dan because he knew that with her love alone, she would want to do things that wouldn’t help, therefore making everything worse. “They either want to send you home with people checking on you, which would be expensive, or put you in a hospital for a while.”

Neither solution sounded good to Dan. In fact, it panicked him. He felt like his space was being invaded and there was no way out, and he would have no choice in the matter. The boy realised that in normal people’s minds, it would be the safest solution for him: normal people wouldn’t trust him on his own. This meant that round the clock, he was to be watched. Dan knew that no normal person would like that, or have it but he wasn’t normal.

His mother saw the panic on his face. It seemed like neither of those solutions was what she wanted. She shrugged her shoulders again. “I’m sorry, it’s what they think is best. I’ll leave you to think about it.” She knew for his love of solitude at points, and realised that with these solutions he would rarely get to enjoy it. The mother stood up and left the room.

Dan’s eyes followed her as she left. It felt like someone had given him awful news, despite it being something that would seem small or logical to other people. A problem Dan always felt with himself was that he blew up situations, and he believed that this was one of those times.

He turned to his side to try and hide his face from the nurses. No part of him believed that they would be so interested in him crying, but he was self-conscious of it. He lay with his body turned and his eyes closed. A tear trickled down his face as he forced his eyes closed. He blinked out a few tears more before opening his eyes properly.

In front of him, he saw Phil looking at him. Sadness was smeared across the man’s face. His mouth was slightly open, taking deep breaths. A small tear slithered down his cheek, showing the clear distress, the man was feeling. It had only been a few hours, but he was beginning to feel a connection to the boy, and could not bear to see him upset.

“It’ll be fine,” Phil said. He didn’t know the boy well enough to properly console him – many people would dislike speech at the time. Phil had no clue whether the boy liked to be distracted or to talk about it. However, he felt he could not just leave the boy to suffer.

Dan nodded at him. For some reason, he felt he could cry around Phil and let his sadness out. He sniffled and smiled weakly at him. He knew that dwelling on the sadness would just make it worse; he needed a distraction. “Phil? Can we play on your DS?”

The man nodded, shuffling over on his bed, and making room. Slowly, Dan gathered himself and moved onto Phil’s bed. He didn’t want to touch the man’s leg in fear of hurting it, but he got close to him. It felt like being cuddled up on a bed, but with the cloud of sadness, neither of them truly noticed that. Phil opened the DS to Mario Kart and hoped that the clouds would clear.

 

 


	3. -three-

The DS was opened and a little tune played to signify that the device was starting. Dan felt a little bit of excitement come over him as he waited for Phil to open the game. Games were one of the main things that Dan would use to distract himself from his brain.

"Have you played Mario Kart on DS before?" Phil asked, turning his head towards Dan. Their faces were only millimetres away from each other, which Dan didn't realise until he looked. It was so close. Butterflies fluttered in Dan's stomach, but he didn't know why. He didn't think he was attracted to males – it would add to his list of problems with himself.

Quickly, in realisation of the situation, Dan shook his head and looked downwards. He was adamant, Dan was not going to develop any feelings for Phil. He kept on telling himself that it was only the kindness which made him think there was something more – Dan wasn't used to kindness, that was all it was.

However, when he looked over at Phil, who was getting through the game selection process, his mind thought more. Dan simply loved his happy nature, and how everything he did was positive, without being annoying with it. Even more, he was attractive. He was older, which was a bonus, as well as having a slight childish personality and amazing eyes. His eyes were the best part – Dan could find every colour in there, whilst still recognising it's blue-ish tinge.

But there were no feelings there, none at all. Dan could not let feelings come into his mind. In the next few days, he would be gone from the hospital and he would probably never see Phil again. This boy could not let himself get attached to this man.

Dan rustled in the sheets, trying to find a cold spot. All this intense thought had heated him up uncomfortably, but he couldn't bear to get out of the covers. He enjoyed being so close to someone and enjoying their energy. It was rare for him to have this sort of interaction outside of his parents. He would seldom put himself in this position, so it was a good thing for him. Human connection was meant to make people happier, right?

He was beginning to smell Phil's scent. It was like firewood burning in the air, on a cold winter's night. It reminded Dan of Christmas and happiness, which was rare for him in summer. Despite summer being the brightest time, it made Dan the most sad and uncomfortable. He could never understand it – sunlight was meant to help but he felt the most comfortable in the darkness. Maybe he couldn't accept anything bright and happy.

That was why this relationship with Phil was so important. Phil was this embodiment of happiness which Dan had never had, or had never accepted. It felt comforting and good, without being overwhelming. Dan always found the sunlight too bright and hot, and lamps were always lighting up the wrong areas and felt so artificial. However, Phil brought this metaphorical light which felt right to him – it made him feel comfortable in every situation.

Another sound came from the device, but Dan was not distracted from his thoughts. He was still thinking about Phil, but wished he wasn't. It annoyed him that he could think so much about the man, but knew so little about him. In fact, he had only known the man for only a few hours. A few hours and Dan could have conjured so many thoughts about him. However, he wasn't going to accept that there was something special about the man: that would be conceding.

A beep came from another patient. A medical beep, not one from the device. It interrupted Dan's thoughts. "Shut up," he proclaimed to his thoughts, trying to stop himself delving deeper into the rabbit hole.

Dan didn't realise he said this aloud until Phil began to laugh. "Are you OK, Dan?" Phil asked. "I can turn down the volume if you like, or stop speaking if you prefer?"

This was the last thing Dan wanted, for Phil to stop speaking. By Phil speaking, it snaps Dan out of his daydream and brings him to reality – it tells Dan that he should not be thinking about this man in that way, given that Phil was an actual person. He was thinking about him in the way that you would think about a celebrity. By Phil talking, Dan would know he was truly there and not a myth.

"No, sorry," Dan said in retaliation, trying to defend his outburst. "I was thinking about something in the past which I regret and cringed a bit too much. Very sorry."

Phil laughed harder. "My friends have done that in the past, don't worry," he said. Phil looked over to the boy. Phil really liked Dan, a lot. Dan reminded Phil of himself as a boy of that age. They weren't identical but there were similar quirks. This made the man understand Dan a lot more, and probably like him a lot more.

What he liked most about Dan was his smile. It was a magical smile – one which brought to life all the imagination which Phil possessed. It made any worry which Phil had disappear. Instantly, when he saw the smile, he knew that even in the weakest version it was the most beautiful sight. Even more, it made a bit of love grow in Phil's heart, which he couldn't get rid of.

However, unlike Dan, Phil was willing to accept his feelings for a male. He never thought it was odd to like a male, but that was due to the confidence Phil possessed. The difference between the two boys was large in this sense, as Phil was not self-hating, and could never be like that. If anything, he loved his life, and wouldn't change it for the world. He certainly wouldn't change meeting Dan; he just wished it was in other circumstances.

The part which made Phil want to rip out his love for the boy was the age difference. It wasn't a large age difference; only four years. However, those four years were not acceptable when one of the participants was aged only 17 years old. It created a conflict within Phil's mind: within a year he would find it acceptable, but he wouldn't let his love grow now.

The only benefit of his love for Dan was the caring nature he could have towards the boy. He could tell that the genuine love was really beneficial towards Dan. This made the difficulty feel worth it.

By this point, the game had loading and Dan was nudging Phil to start. He wasn't being forceful, but he could tell that Phil was in a different place. It was something Dan had not seen on the man before, but it was something which he could recognise from himself in the past.

Phil reengaged with the situation. "Do you want to go first or me?" Phil asked, turning his head towards Dan. Both their stomachs were fluttering but neither they didn't know that. They both thought it was all in their heads; there was no way for returned feelings. However, they did not know that the seed of love which was planted was slowly growing and growing quicker than expected. It had only been a day but it was already rooting.

"Erm," Dan said, trying to bypass his nervousness. "Probably you since I've never played before. Show me how to play."

Phil smiled at him reassuringly. He looked down at the screen, choosing his options with his overly sweaty palms. It was unusual for Phil to be nervous, but it was also unusual for him to be sharing a bed with a boy and in a hospital – this week had been full of surprises for him. "Well, I'll show you how to play with the bog-standard things; Mario as the character and Yoshi Falls."

Dan nodded. He saw the game open and the starting line-up. He assumed that Phil was amazing at the game, as he seemed the gamer type and Mario Kart did not take much skill. On the countdown, Phil began to press at two.

"It gives a starting boost at two," Phil quickly said as the game began. The man had this insider knowledge, so much have been good. The car began to move and went to the side with the waterfall. It seemed odd to Dan, but it must have been quicker. Phil passed the waterfall but was close to the edge whilst trying to turn a corner quickly. He turned too quickly and fell off the side.

Dan erupted into laughter. His perception of Phil's skills was clearly incorrect. A defensive "Hey" escaped Phil's mouth, but Dan could not stop laughing.

"Are you meant to fall off the edge?" Dan mocked, leaving behind his nerves. Games helped him unwind completely. At this point Phil had fallen off the edge twice and was second from last. It showed Dan the basics, but not how to play – Phil was rubbish.

Dan was distracted from his nerves and sadness at this point and was completely focused on this game. It was enticing, mostly because he felt he would be able to do better than Phil – it would boost his self-confidence massively.

"I'd like to see you do better," Phil said, biting his lip in concentration as he aimed to focus both on Dan and on the game.

"I have practice from my Wii, I'd be fine," he said in response, laughing.

Phil scoffed. "Ooh your Wii! It's so much different."

"Different in graphics; have you seen how awful the graphics look on the DS screen, oh my God." Dan was mocking the man at this point. He knew that Phil wouldn't take it personally – he wasn't sure if any playful mocking would burst his happiness bubble. He certainly hoped it wouldn't at least.

The game had finished at this point. Phil had failed completely, but it didn't bother him. He was certain that Dan would fail, so he passed the DS to him. Dan was confident and happy and nerve free – he was going to beat Phil and give it all he got.

 

 


End file.
